I realize that it has been some time since I last posted.
The hardest part of this year was the loss of my grandma in October 2017 at the age of 96. She was my rock, she was there for me after the loss of my husband my daughter spent may days and overnight with her. When grandma was no longer able to go to the store, I would get her groceries, and set up her pills for her, I wanted to help her. Eventually, she had to go to the nursing home she had a great roommate who read her devotions every morning. In the last week of her life, my parents sat with her during the day, and I was there at night, she was never alone, and she received the worst care ever. How can people work in the healthcare field not take care of people when they are actively dying. It just made a hard situation even harder. The worst thing ever, after grandma died, my mom and I left to go get some rest, we returned the next day to clean out her room, and we discovered that something was stolen out of her room, It was stolen the night grandma died, for all I know her body was still in the room when the overnight staff chose to help themselves. I was appalled. Needless to say, the nurse that happened to be at the desk got some of my anger, well the next day the item that was stolen was returned. The item had no monetary value, but it was something that my grandma treasured.
The left picture is 1 week before she died, she got to meet her new great grand-daughter her namesake Britta Margaret. My middle brother and his wife were also expecting at the time and were due in November they had a boy named after my grandpa and Margaret's husband James Herbert.
After the death of my grandma and leaving an abusive marriage I have been trying to figure out who I am. The divorce has been final for 2 years, and it is only just recently that I am feeling that I can do this by myself and I my heart doesn't ache as much, although I will start crying out of the blue even at commercials. I know, I am a sap.
The kind of abuse I am talking about is the kind you can't see on the outside. It is the kind that makes you question everything you do, is it right? Is it good enough? Will he get mad? The kind where even good intentions get you in trouble because you paid to much, or got the wrong thing makes you worthless because he now has to do everything. The kind that makes you not think straight, or afraid to make decisions because he wouldn't like it. He never liked a gift that I bought for him, said that they were stupid. Here I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't, either way, I would catch hell. We have been apart for 5 years now, and these things still plague me.
I had surgery on my shoulder, due to a torn rotator cuff, 6 weeks in a sling, started PT on April 11, 2018, and just last week was released from therapy and the doctor. During this time I received my diploma for finishing my degree, I am now Shawn Schenk, MSN I've been studying off and on. I took the test feeling nervous to FAIL. Wait another 2 months take the test again- FAIL. At this point, all I could hear were the words of my ex-husband telling me that I am a stupid piece of shit and that I would never amount to anything, totally worthless. I believe these, after all, I have been hearing this for 10-15 years so it must be true, right? I can hear these words so vividly like he is standing right next to me saying them. I got very angry at God, saying I love you and believe in you, but I am so angry at you right now.
I planned to finish school, get a job away from here so I could move, but not being able to pass this exam has all these things floating around in my head again. I am a failure, I am worthless, and mostly I AM STUPID! These tests have 250 questions with a passing score of 350, and both times I missed it by 10 points with a score of 340.
My life for the last year is only going out when I need groceries or appointments, the rest of the time, I sit alone in my basement apartment. I play video games most days, and it is through these games that I have found a community that accepts my faults and all the Herd has become my family (if you are reading this you know who you are). There are some amazing people here in the Twitch community. I am starting to travel to meet some of them, starting in September I will be traveling to Texas to meet someone that I have been friends with for 4 years. This trip will be the first time I am traveling alone. This will hopefully will help me take one more step to get those thoughts out of my head and one more step that is further away from my ex.
I know that all of us have things that we deal with, things that are heavy making you feel like you can't breathe. Please know that there are people who have been through the same thing. If you feel like ending your life, please talk to someone, you are precious, you are loved, please don't ever think differently. That is why I named this Perfectly Broken, we were created by a perfect God, and we are all broken=Perfectly Broken.
There is so much hate in this world right now, you can choose to make a difference and not give in to the hate. It is a choice. Be the light in this world. Don't listen to those that want to bring you down, to hurt you.
I feel that I am rambling. For all of you have made it to the end of this, thank you for reading and sticking with me. I appreciate any comments good or bad. Prayers for all of you, love you all.
Shawn
shawshankrn (Twitch)
