Before we get to far, the definition of failure as defined by Merriam-Webster:
- lack of success
- the act of neglecting to do or perform
- an instance of not working properly
- a loss of the ability to work normally
- someone or something that has not succeeded
- an instance of falling short
None of these definitions, or even the mashing of some of them together completely describe the feeling that overcomes you, when you feel as though you have failed,or are a failure. Sometimes there are no words for how you feel. For me, when I feel this way, I want to hide, cut off contact from all, but I feel as if my heart has literally broken, not just my heart but my soul hurts, and this causes me once again to question myself, and most of all GOD. Here are a few verses of what God's word says about failure:
Joshua 8:1- Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged- this was said to Joshua during a battle, the points that are made here are (1) to confess your sins when God reveals them to you, (2) when you fail[, refocus on God, deal with the problem and move on. God wants this cycle of sin, repentance, and forgiveness to strengthen us not weaken us. The lessons that we learn from our failures will help us to TRY and not do the same thing again, or if we do we will be able to handle whatever the situation may be.
1 Samuel 10:22- this chapter is about Saul being made king, but when all the tribes of Israel were gathered together,Saul could not be found, because he had hidden himself "among the baggage". When we hide from our important responsibilities, because we are afraid of failure, afraid of what others will think.
Matthew 1:1-17- these passages struck me as interesting because the first chapter is the passport of Jesus, or his genealogy. From Abram to Jesus. Reading the textual notes at the bottom it says that God's work in history is not limited to human failures or sins, he works through ordinary people like you and I.
Luke 22:62- this chapter covers the death and resurrection of Jesus, our Savior, but the section I am referring to is the section where Peter, one of the disciples denied knowing the Lord, which Jesus had predicted 30 verses previously starting with verse 31. When Peter realized that he had done this it states that he "wept bitterly." Peter was frightened over being associated with Jesus after he was arrested, so he went against the promise he made. This points out that that we need to be aware of our breaking points, and not become over-confident or self-sufficient.
My point that I am trying to make is that we are not alone in our failures, even the people from Biblical times struggled with failure. Although, they didn't have social media (which in my opinion, only makes our failures more known to more people, intended or not).
Now all of this of course is easier said than done, you are all saying, I am going to list for what I call my failures, after all I did say I wanted to use this blog to help people, and to do that I am gonna bear myself, so here we begin:
- The death of my husband David, I should have seen it, and been able to stop it.
- Getting pregnant in high school, and having a miscarriage on the night of my Senior prom right after an abortion was scheduled.
- I failed to support my Grandma after my Grandpa died, and getting very angry with her when she remarried 6 months after he died. I have been holding on to this for many, many years, and even stated that I would never call him Grandpa. He passed away on November 9th, and I never told him this, but I did unburden myself to my Grandma on December 5, I explained the story and told her I was sorry, and asked for her forgiveness. She of course said that she knew nothing about it, and was surprised. I came to respect my step-grandfather a great deal, and really didn't understand her situation until I was in the same one.
- I failed my son for not being there for him when he needed both of his parents after his dad and I separated. I moved out of the house and wasn't there, I feel that I missed some of the most important years for him.
- I failed my family when I failed school, as for me this started my slide down into the pit, where I felt that I kept sliding and sliding, thinking that I would never hit bottom. I lost my job, and flunked out of school all in the same year, and this put incredible strain on our marriage, and put more pressure on my husband.
- I continued to fail my family as I turned to pain pills to help numb the pain, while my depression kept getting worse. During this time I only worked a short time, was more interested in my pain pills.
- I failed my family again by not being able to keep our marriage together.
- I am a failure because I have been told that I am one repeatedly.
I am sure that there are many more, and some people would say well what about this failure.
I have made mistakes, and have hurt people in the process, there are not enough words in the world to express how sorry I am to anyone who feels that I have hurt them. I am working on these things with the help of Jesus. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago, or even 6 months ago, amazing things can happen if you believe. None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, those mistakes make you into the person you will/can become, you just have to open your heart and believe.
Start with just a prayer, it doesn't have to be perfect, God knows your heart. If you feel comfortable keep a journal, and enjoy the beauty of God's creation that is all around you everyday, the sunrise the sunset, the strangers that hold the door open for you, your children's smiles, the love you feel for someone-all come from God, just stop and take the time to notice.
As a previous post has stated, some songs inspire me, and right now I am listening to Big Daddy Weave- Redeemed. I will post song at the end, so you may all enjoy. The song starts out with these lyrics:
Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long this is gonna last
Then you look at this prisoner and say to me
"son stop fighting a fight that 's already been won"
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am here to tell you now that I am shaking off the heavy chains of my failures, no longer will I be bound up in all my failures. And, yes there may be days that those feelings start creeping back in, but knowing what my triggers are, and knowing that Satan will do what he can to make sure that I being held ransom in my feelings and thoughts, I call yell "STOP", and ask the Lord to give me the strngth to get past these dark thought.
Sorry for the long post, but I also feel I have to share Psalm 91:1-16 with you:
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust."
Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not feat the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks the darkness,
nor the plaque that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling-
even the Lord, who is my refuge-
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lions and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me" says the Lord, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy
and show him my salvation."
As promised the video
Goodnight all. God bless you, may you all have a blessed Christmas.
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